The True* Story of Unicorn Snot

 In Uncategorized, Whimsy and Stories

Alameda is an island in the Bay, but did you know Alameda has a sister island that hovers magically overhead in the sky?

From down here, the Island of Alleyüp looks like a cloud, but if you were to lean the world’s tallest ladder up against that cloud and climb up, you’d discover a wonderful place with great granite mountains and valleys of emerald grass and flowering trees, mushrooms wearing big red caps, and a great clear river rushing down. At the edge of one cliff, the river leaps over a big rock and scatters, laughing, into a million airborne water droplets that catch the sunshine and refract the loveliest colors of the rainbow.

From below, looking up into that rainbow light, you may notice the tinkling wings of a fairy sparkling by at great speed. Then, looking around you, you may realize that those big red mushrooms are walking about on the forest floor, nodding their heads and giggling.

Those not mushrooms at all! They’re silly little gnomes wearing big red caps, waddling about among the flowers, climbing up the cliffside, chortling and singing: “Hi-ho hi-ho, a-rainbow sliding we go!” And, yes, look, it’s true!—the gnomes line up at cliff’s edge where the river turns to a rainbow, and one after another they leap off into the air!

You may be thinking, “But gnomes don’t fly.” Well, that’s true, but they don’t fall either, because when they jump a rainbow catches them, and they slide down, rainbow to rainbow, all the way along to the Valley of Wonder.

In the Valley of Wonder, all the Alleyüpan creatures are preparing for a party. The rabbits gather flowers, the mice make cookies, and the Great Blue Herons soar ahead. The occasion? The Grooming of the Unicorns.

It’s important that unicorns have a generous helping of joy each day, just like it’s important for growing boys and girls to eat their veggies.

Unicorns are magical creatures, but they are also quite vain. Since spend all day wandering amongst the ferns and marshy fields, and wouldn’t want to be seen muddy, they require a bath before they show themselves to anyone.

This is where the birds come in. When a unicorn arrives at the bathing pond, the quacking ducks begin the process by splashing to and fro to rinse the unicorn’s belly and legs. The pelicans swoop in to gather water in their great big beaks and fly overhead to dump the water down on the unicorn. Next, the fussy seagulls squawk in to pluck out any grass and mud clumps from the unicorn’s coat.

Then the egrets come to braid the mane and tail (the egrets are well compensated for this, as they always come away with a few precious strands of unicorn hair to bring home to their nests).

You may already know that beauty, joy and fun are the three main ingredients unicorns use make their magic. That’s why it’s important that they have a generous helping of joy and music each day, just like it’s important for growing boys and girls to eat their veggies.

The songbirds are happy to provide joyful music, and by the time the majestic Blue Heron arrives from the mountain, the unicorns are all gleaming and glowing with magic and incredible beauty.

What happens next is really a very big secret that not many know. This website doesn’t receive much traffic, so I feel safe sharing it here…

When the majestic Great Blue heron lands in front of the Unicorn, a reverent hush falls over all the creatures: the songbirds quiet their song, the mice stop munching their cookies, the gnomes stop chortling and hopping.

Everybody watches as the heron unfurls its great wide wing and plucks one of its own magnificent blue feathers. Everyone whispers excitedly as the heron begins to tickle the unicorn, right in its armpit. And everyone gasps as the unicorn rears and bucks, but when the unicorn begins laughing, and the heron begins laughing (it’s very hard not to laugh when you are tickling a ticklish unicorn), then everyone starts laughing! And they all laugh and laugh so hard that the unicorn begins to snort and wheeze, and—finally—the unicorn sneezes!

This is no ordinary sneeze, but a magical sneeze that fills the pond with glittery sparkling unicorn snot! Every unicorn sneezes her own special color and together they make all the colors of the rainbow. All the world’s sparkling jewels and fabulous glitter is made from Unicorn snot!

And much of the world’s supply of rainbow snot is tickled out right up there, in Alameda’s magical sister island in the sky, Alleyüp.

Betcha didn’t know that!

*Verification pending. Really tall ladder needed.

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